So much shit has happened, it's unfathomable.

First and formost, I went to a casual counselling session to see what the hell was wrong with me. After sharing my deepest thoughts with the counselor, she said, "I can't let you leave this building. You must call someone to pick you up and take you to the psychiatric hospital. If you leave, I will call the police and they will escort you." I was like, WTF?!?! I was not expecting this at all. So I went to the God damned hospital and signed in. The councelor told me I would be admitted into the hospital because of everything we'd discussed.

**Note: I am the fucking QUEEN of misconceit. I can make anyone believe anything at all about me that's untrue. A true fucking actress when I need to be.

So, when I did the questionaire at the hospital, I was told that I was to be admitted. I told them I most certainly did NOT want to be admitted and ask to speak to the doctor. The doctor spoke to me and my job was to convince her that I could go home and be safe. I am a fucking magician. I know I shouldn't have, but I told the doctor E X A C T LY what she wanted to hear. And I was free to go. Don't underestimate how good I am at this. It's scary, really.

I was assigned a madatory follow-up visit with a psyciatrist. When I went to him, I was diagnosed with Severe Depression. I was given Lexapro, the strong shit, I was told. One a day.

I took 40 sleeping pills that night. At first with the intention of killing myself and taking 100. Then I stopped at 40 when I became super duper clumpsy and slow. I stopped because I had a friend that was supposed to come over in the morning. I didn't want him to find me dead. Didn't want to put that on him.

Woke up totally fine. Nothing bad happened, like I knew it wouldn't.

I accidentally took 3 Lexapro's within an 8 hour time period. I was hallucinating and fucking going CRAZY. It is the scariest shit I've ever experienced. I saw Spiders everywhere. I spraid Raid all over my walls and all over my apartment. I saw them spinning webs and having babies and falling on me. I was up all night. I talked to my reflection for half an hour because I thought it was another person. I had everything in common with her! I was mad at a stuffed animal because it wouldn't talk back to me. I was fucking crazy, y'all. It was the worst thing that happened to me in my life.

I started taking only one a day and that worked better. I've been feeling better. But I haven't been seeing a therapist to go along with my medication, which I should, because I'm still sad.

I'm closing this Xanga down and I've started a new one which I'm currently working on. Address: www.xanga.com/DontBeDeceived

I get bored of shit really, really easily. So that's why I've started another one. ALSO, I'm changing my name. My whole life I've never connected or identified myself with my name. Now I have the ability to do something about it. I'm using that name for a few months before I change it, to see how it works out for me.

Anyway, I'll be closing this site down starting the 31st of March. Befriend my new Xanga. Kisses, ladies. Sorry I was absent for so long.

I need confidence so desperately.

I work with this woman who has so much confidence, it's liberating even to me. I was taking her from work to the transit station and I handed her a Victoria's Secret swim suit catalgue and told her I starred the ones I think I'd be able to pull off. This lead to her asking me why I have "really bad body issues."

I desperately, desperately want to love my body.

Now if I could only look like this . . .

I am going to apply at a strip club (a really, really nice one) as a waitress. I need money and quick. I was a server for two years, so this shouldn't be hard. I've only told ONE person about this decision. I'm so fed up with my job that I can't be there another fucking day if I can help it. I'm calling one this week and seeing what I can do.

Chicken butt!

Two day fast, period. Wanna join?

Yesterday - +7 points. Today - +4

I am embarrassingly large.

Edit:

I feel so fucking fat. But guess what? I am not going to hate myself for it tonight. I'm going to make up my mind to deal with this as best I can right now. Right now, at this moment, there is nothing I can do except not eat. I have taken 7 laxatives today, so I'm at the point where I just have to wait. I have gained incredible amounts of weight within just a few days. And I have water weight due to my period.

Every single time I weigh, I am going to update my weight on my scale at the top of the page, no matter how humiliating it is. Right now, I'm at 124.5 lbs. Between Sunday and now, I've gained 8 lbs. I am above my starting weight for the challenge. 7 lbs above it. How does one gain 8 lbs within a 3 day time period? It is nighttime, and I'm still retaining all the food I've eaten throughout the day, but no excuse.

I am so completely disguested with myself, it's ridiculous. But like I said, I'm going to try not to hate myself for this right now. I'll just avoid the mirror like the plague. Or looking at my body in any way at all.